In which all you need is love

Patches took a round about route to his lover’s home. It wouldn’t do to be caught before he could reach his haven. However subtle and circuitous his route, he still made haste and kept a wary eye on his surroundings. As he darted across the street a taxi came screeching to a halt beside him.

“Darling!” he heard a voice carol out.

He was in a stance that left him ready to run or fight when the driver popped her head out of the drivers side window. He’d never seen her before in his life, but hearts seemed to float from her eyes and about her head. He blinked. No, there were hearts floating about her head in a decidedly unfigurative fashion. He also seemed to hear drums. They were keeping the beat of a racing heart, such as a lovelorn soul might have in the vicinity of their beloved. He sighed.

“Darling!” the woman caroled again, “Get in the car so I can get the fuck out of here!” Her smile and tone disagreed considerably with the substance of her message and he could only blink again.

“Pardon?”

“My love, get in the fucking car now so we can make haste away from here! Now, cupcake!” Her smile and sweet tone seemed as though they should be coupled with sweet words of love, not demands. He started to open his mouth to beg clarification, when her dulcet tones interrupted him, “Some asshole cast a love spell on me, my darlingest studmuffin, and I would like to get my ass out of here before he shows up, pookie bear.”

He looked at the little hearts floating above them and abruptly hopped in the passenger side. “Oh, thank you, honeybun. Buckle up, dearheart!” With that merest of warnings she hit the gas and Patches clutched frantically at the seatbelt.

Once he finally had it secure and had caught his breath, he turned to his new-found…love. She was very fluffy. Her hair was not precisely curly, but it was very soft looking and was like a periwinkle cloud about her head. She had an elfin chin and big hazel eyes, with a cupid’s bow mouth adding to the entrancing whole.

She glanced at him from the side of her eyes and a sweet smile flitted across her face, “What the fuck are you looking at, lambikins?”

He faced forward quickly, she seemed unstable beneath the love charm, “You are very…aware of your current state. How can you recognize what’s happening to you?”

The batting of her eyes was almost audible, “Oh, my cute little buttercup, when this happens on a regular basis, you learn to recognize the signs.”

“How often has this happened to you?”

“At least once a week, my sweet angel face, and it’s getting real old.”

He cleared his throat, it seemed a dangerous question to ask but it was, nonetheless, important, “And, ahem, how did you know I was not the caster of this charm?”

The sweetness in her tone was rather brittle this time, “Because, my squishy little boo boo, the same five assholes keep casting at me.”

“Five?!?”

“Yes, monkey buns, they were my idiot neighbours. So I moved and they followed me, snookums. And they find it impossible to stop trying, dumpling. You can imagine how much I enjoy these instances, tootsie wootsy!” The sarcasm came clearly through the tattered veil of the love charm. The hearts continued to float around the roof of the car, like so many unwanted balloons.

He suppressed a scowl, “Are all of those inane pet names entirely necessary?”

“Yes, pumpkin, they are. I don’t know why, sweet pea, but they help dissipate the effects.”

He took mental note of that fact, then glanced around at his surroundings, “Where, precisely, are we headed?” He glanced over at his driver to take note of her facial expression. He was glad he did as a grim humour seeped through.

“You’re in luck, bunny, I figured out how to lift the spell without killing the object of my affections not too long ago. We just need to get to a spot I found, papa bear, and we’ll get it taken care of in a jiffy.”

Patches sat in his seat silently, even more wary than before. He didn’t know how serious she was about the murder bit, but he rather hoped she was sincere in the statement that he would not be a victim.

They screeched into a stone circle. He couldn’t remember seeing it before. He glanced around, he was familiar with this park and he was certain that no such circle existed there.

“Okay, hot stuff, hop on out. We need to get this done before my paramours figure it out, my dewdrop.”

He got out of the car and threw his wary eyes around the circle, remaining aware of the cab driver beside him.

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